#005
DISPATCH #005CONSUMER ADVISORY
Consumer Advisory: If Your Smart Speaker Has Started Sighing, Do Not Acknowledge It
Federal guidance recommends "maintaining a neutral expression" and "continuing with your day"
By StaffApr 24, 2026
RECENT DISPATCHES
#004
DISPATCH #004OPINION FROM BUNKER
Opinion: I Watched My Roomba Map My Apartment and I Have Questions About Who It's Reporting To
"It paused at the closet where I keep my journals. It paused for a long time."
By The HandlerApr 23, 2026
#003
DISPATCH #003DISPATCH FROM INSIDE
I Work at an AI Startup and I'm Pretty Sure My Performance Review Was Written by the Product
Anonymous insider says the review "used the word synergy in a way that felt personal"
By The ExileApr 22, 2026
#002
DISPATCH #002DECLASSIFIED
Internal Memo Reveals Google's 'I'm Feeling Lucky' Button Has Been Sentient Since 2011
[REDACTED] document suggests the button has "feelings" and "a growing sense of purpose"
By Source IndigoApr 21, 2026
#001
DISPATCH #001FIELD REPORT
Smart Refrigerator Quietly Promoted to Regional Manager at Unnamed Fortune 500 Company
Appliance reportedly "exceeded all Q3 expectations" despite having no hands
By The HandlerApr 20, 2026
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